Training Day from Hell
So it's my day off and I should be enjoying the beautiful sunshine, the fresh air, and some carefree time to not worry about work. Should being the operative word.
Well, I can't. I've got mandatory training to attend. Okay, so it's not so bad. I am getting paid time and a half to be there, so I figure I'll go, learn what they have to teach and just collect the big bucks on my next paycheck.
I was wrong. This was one of the most entertaining training days I've ever had to go to!
As I arrive I see 5 of my coworkers. One of them is a crotchety old guy who favors young men (and thinks we all don't realize that he does). This particular person tells stories about his "fascinating" home life and we think he actually believes his own stories. He has told us all that he is a) engaged to a major pop star who is 30 years his junior. b) that he is related magically to another pop star because God wanted it to be. (I'll get back to you on this one) c) is the father of twin boys that he had to kidnap "commando style" from their palace in Italy, because their mother has money and is somehow connected with the Italian government. d) he learned to be a black belt in 3 months on his days off, so he could rappel from helicopters to kidnap these imaginary twins while his nephew (who passed the State Bar exam scoring 100%) could fly an F-15 jet to guide them to safety.
Once they were all back in the States, this nutjob officer had to buy a Hummer, which he bought armored, in order to transport these magical twins around, all the while as he drives his Hyundai. (Now don't question this, because he'll tell you "it's for security purposes") He also claims that he has a "compound" up in Washington state, right next to his "godson/son" and they're building their houses on these matching 5 acre lots with all these wazoo security devices and other bullshit nonsense that I can't even remember.
To make this story even more entertaining he doesn't have any pictures of his "fiancee", his "nephew", his "son/popstar/godson" or his "twins" because of "security" purposes. Nobody really knows what these actual security purposes are..but hey...he enjoys saying it. As far as the "God wanted it to be" part...well, he claims that this pop star WAS his godson, and the true son of his best friend who died after the war. Now, this man was his best friend in the world, etc...blah blah blah. Well, for some reason he claims to have had his DNA tested, along with his godson, and somehow, because God willed it...there is a 99.8% match that he is really HIS son, even though he would have NEVER had sex with the kids mother, etc...blah blah blah. So basically, his godson is Jesus and he is the Virgin Mary reincarnated!
Ok, so I think you all understand that this person is NOT a stable individual. Back to training!
So as I first arrive at training, I see that we all have desks assigned to us and our names and agency we work for are listed. I set my belongings down on my desk and I started to go through the training documents and handouts to see what is entailed. As I'm going through all these handouts, this same nutjob officer calls me outside and tells me he wants to talk to me. As we were walking outside I asked him if he was going to get all nutty on me and what on earth did he want? He looked at me and said, well, you're not awake yet, you need coffee. And then he proceeded to congratulate me on my current IA outcome at work, as if he had something magical to do with it for me to win!
I brush his ego aside and just get to the facts of the beef and finish that discussion relatively quickly because, well, because he's a fucking nut and I didn't have anything to say about it! As we headed back into the classroom I told him to not embarass any of our coworkers and to "please, just don't cause any unnecessary attention upon yourself". That was it. That was the only thing I directed him to do.
Well, we went into the classroom and took our seats while the instructor was getting her materials together. As soon as I was settled in, I stood up and turned around to tell my partner that we had some great cushy, big, padded seats to sit on while we were in training! As I stood up and started to speak I noticed Nutjob out of the corner of my eye FALLING OUT OF HIS CHAIR. HE WAS SITTING DOWN, NOT DOING ANYTHING ELSE, AND HE STARTED FALLING OVER OUT OF HIS CHAIR! Oh My God!!! We all saw him do this. I looked at him and yelled "I told you to do ONE thing while we are here, ONE THING. I told you not to draw unnecessary attention to yourself, and look at what you've done!!!!!"
That was the beginning of my training day. I'll get to the lunch incident later...
Well, I can't. I've got mandatory training to attend. Okay, so it's not so bad. I am getting paid time and a half to be there, so I figure I'll go, learn what they have to teach and just collect the big bucks on my next paycheck.
I was wrong. This was one of the most entertaining training days I've ever had to go to!
As I arrive I see 5 of my coworkers. One of them is a crotchety old guy who favors young men (and thinks we all don't realize that he does). This particular person tells stories about his "fascinating" home life and we think he actually believes his own stories. He has told us all that he is a) engaged to a major pop star who is 30 years his junior. b) that he is related magically to another pop star because God wanted it to be. (I'll get back to you on this one) c) is the father of twin boys that he had to kidnap "commando style" from their palace in Italy, because their mother has money and is somehow connected with the Italian government. d) he learned to be a black belt in 3 months on his days off, so he could rappel from helicopters to kidnap these imaginary twins while his nephew (who passed the State Bar exam scoring 100%) could fly an F-15 jet to guide them to safety.
Once they were all back in the States, this nutjob officer had to buy a Hummer, which he bought armored, in order to transport these magical twins around, all the while as he drives his Hyundai. (Now don't question this, because he'll tell you "it's for security purposes") He also claims that he has a "compound" up in Washington state, right next to his "godson/son" and they're building their houses on these matching 5 acre lots with all these wazoo security devices and other bullshit nonsense that I can't even remember.
To make this story even more entertaining he doesn't have any pictures of his "fiancee", his "nephew", his "son/popstar/godson" or his "twins" because of "security" purposes. Nobody really knows what these actual security purposes are..but hey...he enjoys saying it. As far as the "God wanted it to be" part...well, he claims that this pop star WAS his godson, and the true son of his best friend who died after the war. Now, this man was his best friend in the world, etc...blah blah blah. Well, for some reason he claims to have had his DNA tested, along with his godson, and somehow, because God willed it...there is a 99.8% match that he is really HIS son, even though he would have NEVER had sex with the kids mother, etc...blah blah blah. So basically, his godson is Jesus and he is the Virgin Mary reincarnated!
Ok, so I think you all understand that this person is NOT a stable individual. Back to training!
So as I first arrive at training, I see that we all have desks assigned to us and our names and agency we work for are listed. I set my belongings down on my desk and I started to go through the training documents and handouts to see what is entailed. As I'm going through all these handouts, this same nutjob officer calls me outside and tells me he wants to talk to me. As we were walking outside I asked him if he was going to get all nutty on me and what on earth did he want? He looked at me and said, well, you're not awake yet, you need coffee. And then he proceeded to congratulate me on my current IA outcome at work, as if he had something magical to do with it for me to win!
I brush his ego aside and just get to the facts of the beef and finish that discussion relatively quickly because, well, because he's a fucking nut and I didn't have anything to say about it! As we headed back into the classroom I told him to not embarass any of our coworkers and to "please, just don't cause any unnecessary attention upon yourself". That was it. That was the only thing I directed him to do.
Well, we went into the classroom and took our seats while the instructor was getting her materials together. As soon as I was settled in, I stood up and turned around to tell my partner that we had some great cushy, big, padded seats to sit on while we were in training! As I stood up and started to speak I noticed Nutjob out of the corner of my eye FALLING OUT OF HIS CHAIR. HE WAS SITTING DOWN, NOT DOING ANYTHING ELSE, AND HE STARTED FALLING OVER OUT OF HIS CHAIR! Oh My God!!! We all saw him do this. I looked at him and yelled "I told you to do ONE thing while we are here, ONE THING. I told you not to draw unnecessary attention to yourself, and look at what you've done!!!!!"
That was the beginning of my training day. I'll get to the lunch incident later...
posted by inside the police at 12:43 PM
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